Hot Clicks linked to BlackSportsOnline today and well, HOLY SHIT WHAT IS THAT ON VANESSA BRYANT'S BREASTS?
Ignore the ugly dress, ignore her holding hands with the antichrist, ignore the fact that her left breast is far more smushed up than her right, and focus on those strange dark areas.
I feel like I'm examining purported UFO pictures here, but if those are what I think they are, then Kobe Bryant's agent is missing a golden opportunity with Oscar Mayer.
After testing positive a second time for methamphetamine use, Jeremy Mayfield lashed out at the racing world and NASCAR's governing body with a fierce, profanity laced, rambling diatribe:
"FUCKYOUFUCKINGNASCARBULLSHITASSHOLEMOTHERFUCKERSI'VENEVERDONESPEEDINMYLIFE. MYFACEWON'TSTOPITCHINGPROBABLYBECAUSEOFTHESEWEIRDOPENSORESTHATKEEPPOPPINGUP. MYSTEPMOTHERISAWHOREBITCHCONNIVINGCUNTRAGWHOSHOULDDIEINANEXPLODINGMETHLABFIRE. WHYAMISOITCHY.JESUSFUCKINGCHRISTWHAT'SWITHTHESESORESONMYNECKANDMYTEETHROTTING.
IDON'TUNDERSTANDWHYPEOPLEWON'TLETMEDRIVEFASTANDGETSPEEDORIMEANGOSPEEDY.
BUTYEAHFUCKNASCARANDFUCKMYMOTHERINLAWANDFUCKNASCARAGAINANDFUCKTHATSTUPIDDOCTOR.
HEWOULDN'TKNOWSPEEDIFITOOKABATCHOUTOFMYKITCHENANDSHOVEDUPHISFAGGOTYANKEEASS.
IHATEALLOFYOULEAVEMETHEFUCKALONEIHAVESOMECOOKINGTODO."
MINNEAPOLIS - UFC Heavyweight Champion Brock Lesnar apologized on Wednesday night for breaking the larynx of a Holiday Stationstores clerk and causing more than $75,000 in damage after what he called "an excessive celebration" after he received a winning game piece for a free Slushie during a store promotion.
"Man, when I get pumped up sometimes I don't know what I'm doing," Lesnar said at a press conference. "That's just the competitor I am."
Security cameras showed that upon peeling off the winning ticket from the wrapper of the corn dog he purchased early Wednesday morning, Lesnar proceeded to "get in the face" of store clerk Farooq Gilani, shouting obsecenities at him while giving him the "middle finger." When Gilani attempted to turn away to continue cleaning the beer section of the store, Lesnar grabbed him by the throat and attempted to force the whole corn dog down his mouth, with his vice-like grip crushing Gilani's neck in the process. Gilani is in fair condition at Minnesota General Hospital.
Minneapolis police spokesman Sgt. Craig McDonald said Lesnar continued his celebration by breaking every bottle of Budweiser and Bud Light beer in the store, throwing the cash register through the front window and "committing vile sexual acts" with a Tollhouse Ice Cream Sandwich. He then went back to the gas pumps and filled the garbage cans with gasoline before setting them ablaze and driving off, with the resulting series of explosions being felt as far as three blocks away.
Sgt. McDonald said that while the acts were "heinous and horrific," the fact that Lesnar has apologized and pledged to pay restitution have led police to not charge him in the case.
"He expressed true remorse, even vowing to give his free Slushie coupon to Mr. Gilani's family, which I think shows what a good person Brock Lesnar is at heart," Sgt. McDonald said. "Plus, did you see the way he totally caved in Frank Mir's face last weekend? That was so freakin' awesome. MINNESOTA GOLDEN GOPHERS RULE!"
UFC President Dana White also appeared at the press conference, and said that while he's "extremely disappointed" in Lesnar's actions, he won't be suspended.
"Brock knows what he did is wrong, and I think the $1,000 fine we sent down sends a clear message," he said. "Plus, it's not like he led cops on a wild car chase and crashed into a pregnant woman. And if anyone feels he didn't get what he deserved, you can watch him fight the winner of the Randy Couture vs. Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira at UFC 105 this November and see if he gets what he deserves."
WESTLAKE VILLAGE, CA – While watching the memorial service for Steve McNair on Thursday, Kyle Boller asked several friends at his home in suburban Los Angeles if they thought ESPN would offer live coverage of his funeral if he died under shocking circumstances.
“I don’t mean suicide or anything like that, but maybe if I was shot in some sort of home invasion robbery,” said Boller to several people gathered in his game room. “Or maybe in a botched hold-up at a 7-11 late one night after he made a run to pick up a Slurpee for his wife. Yeah, that would probably do it!”
Boller, was drafted in the first round by Baltimore Ravens in 2003, but was considered a bust and eventually lost his starting job to McNair. He is currently competing for a job as a back-up with the St. Louis Rams.
“I’m not saying I want to die or anything like that, but I’m just wondering what would happen,” said Boller. “They’d probably carry the funeral in Philadelphia live, right?”
Friends who were gathered at Boller’s house were surprised and confused by his comments.
“We were sitting around with McNair’s memorial service on, and he just came out of nowhere with this,” said John McNamara, a high school teammate of Boller’s. “At first I thought he was joking, but he kept bringing it up the rest of the day. It was creepy.”
While at lunch with his friends at a nearby Arby’s, Boller mentioned that he thought about joining the Army “like Pat Tillman” and later asked if anyone was interested in watching “Brian’s Song.”
“I didn’t have the heart to tell him that no matter what, they wouldn’t show his funeral on ESPN,” McNamara said. “Maybe the Los Angeles Daily News would put it on their front page if he did something heroic, like save the President’s life by stopping a terrorist plot, but that’s about it.”
Remember all the hubbub a while back regarding tennis and gambling? Yeah, I don't really either, but it seems one of the players involved, Frenchman Mathieu Montcourt was found dead yesterday by his girlfriend.
I won't lie and say I know who he was. I had never heard of the guy before yesterday, and never would have if I hadn't reached the end of the internet.
Regardless, the story is interesting, and there's something a bit fishy about the young man's death. 24 year old tennis players don't just keel over, but that's neither here nor there.
After quickly reading through the article, I broke my #1 rule of the internet and scrolled down, down, down, to the bottom of the web's barrel, the comments section. The land of morons, BILLY MAYS, and grade A, top choice douchebaggery.
The comments certainly didn't disappoint.
Halfway down the page was where I noticed the first mention of Michael Jackson, and from there, I was hooked. I had no choice but to put on my online haz-mat suit, and ignore the bile rising in the back of my throat.
I don't encourage anyone, not even my worst enemy (you know who you are, you sack of shit,) to venture into the depths of the internet where the bullshit flows (much like here) and the English language is treated not unlike Jeffrey Dahmer's nether regions during his prison stay, so I've taken the liberty of featuring the best of the best from yesterday's article on the death of a French tennis player. Prepare to be sic:
"Actually, Kobe, judges (hence the name), juries, the media, regular everyday people, dogs, cats and other mammals all judge. God is simply the FINAL judge but He goes on what the rest of us say. Just like your namesake who is an adulterer, a cheat and a liar. We have passed judgement, God now has the info thanks to us and when Kobe goes before Him he will have to answer to why everyone outside of L.A. finds him repulsive. And God will say, "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!!" Canaaaa, we can only hope your boyfriend finds YOU dead in a stairwell. Peace."
"I too find the death of this young tennis player unfortunate and sad. However, Michael Jackson was a great entertainer for some but not all of us. But what cannot be denied regarding Jackson was that he was a weird individual with his facial surgery, skin bleaching, dangling an infant from a balcony, and most of all his penchant for young children.
If Jackson had been an ordinary individual he would have been convicted as a child molester. Because of his celebrity status he walked and one of the jurors even attended his party that evening. I am not saddened by his death though I am saddened by cultures which worship such individuals who have so little in the way of character."
"and about a 1/2 dozen soldiers died in afghanastan yesterday . . . wonder what THEIR names were, and how THEIR friends and families feel about THEIR respective losses . . ."
"this is america. if your not a celebrity it doesnt matter if you pass. even if you pass fighting for everyones freedom. america has become a huge joke. let barack obama decide how much energy we can use, let barack obama ration off your families health care. we all will just cry rivers for michael jackson for months"
"this guy sucks he bet 3 whole $ wow thats tons of money but whAt he baught with that extra cash i sprobly what he OD on and MICHEAL JACKSON IS A @#$% y r we mourning the loss of a child molester?"
"one does not need first hand experience only credible and reliable media sources which were in abundance in their fair coverage of Jackson's trial where the testimony of others was presented. Spare me the skepticism. Jackson was a molester and used his celebrity status, his expensive lawyers, and a stacked jury to secure a "not guilty" verdict. (The same with O.J. Simpson). Look at the spectacle of having a juror attend a party for Jackson. It was a farce and he was a guilty pervert. I do not regret the passing of the circus freak one iota."
I don't know what the hell they're talking about and I don't really want to. The only surprise is not seeing n****r somewhere in there. My brain hurts.
MILWAUKEE – IT specialist Dan Hopkins “couldn’t fucking believe” that ESPN Classic was showing a rerun of “Cheap Seats” when he turned on his TV early Tuesday morning, according to co-workers at Comericon Bank.
“Honestly, ESPN has to have, what, a million hours of programming in their archives,” Hopkins told friends Wednesday afternoon at work. “And the best they could find was ‘Cheap Seats?’ They couldn’t throw on a college football game from 1987, or some old NFL draft coverage from 1996? Unfuckingbelievable.”
“Cheap Seats” was a sports comedy show hosted by the Sklar Brothers that ran on ESPN Classic from 2004 to 2006. Similar in tone to the cult favorite “Mystery Science Theater 3000,” the show featured the hosts riffing on old sports clips.
“I mean, it would be one thing if the show was still on the air,” Hopkins told several people over lunch. “But it’s been off the air for three years. Three years!”
Hopkins had turned on the TV at 12:30 a.m. after returning home from a late-night server installation. It had been on ESPN Classic from the previous evening, and he was apparently “dumbfounded” to find “Cheap Seats” on the screen.
“The last thing I expected was to see the god damned Sklar Brothers smirking at me at 12:30 in the morning,” Hopkins said. “And it came on during one of those awful sketches they used to do – you know, the ones that had all of their ‘alternative’ comedy friends being smug and unfunny. Christ.”
Hopkins’ amazement was compounded when he saw on the cable program guide that a second episode of “Cheap Seats” was scheduled immediately after the one he was watching.
“Two episodes?,” he screamed to himself. “You have got to be shitting me. Seriously. And it’s not even a real episode – it’s some shitty spoof of the ‘Inside Sportscenter” specials they used to do. Wonky, self-referential bullshit! Really?”
When a co-worker asked him why he didn’t change the channel, Hopkins said it was an improvement over “watching Sportscenter again or another World Series of Poker rerun from 2004.”
Evander "Real Deal" Holyfield is fighting another battle, this time out of the ring. Like millions of hard-working Americans, the former heavyweight champion is facing foreclosure on his Atlanta home.
Reached by the Associated Press, Holyfield had little to say, save for "it will be worked out."
How an over the hill, punch drunk fighter with no prospects and little cash flow will manage to magically make a defaulted $10 million loan current in just a few weeks is a mystery to the financial institutions involved. However, according to sources inside Holyfield's camp who requested anonymity due to the sensitive, yet high profile nature of the foreclosure proceedings, the man who once lost half his ear to Mike Tyson and epically battled Riddick Bowe still has some fight left in him, and the perfect strategy to take down his latest foe.
His children.
Apparently, after catching Liam Neeson's "Taken" in the dollar theater, Holyfield became convinced his children and the sex trade would be a winning combination. Our source outlined the financial gains Holyfield could make by selling his children to the highest, perverted, depraved bidder:
"Evander may look and sound a bit slow these days, but he still has it all put together upstairs. He's well aware his lack of profitable fights these last, oh, ten years, is an issue. A huge issue. However, he also knows the dozen or so child support payments he must make every month are an equally sizable anchor in dragging him to financial ruin. If he's able to rid himself of those horrible payments AND make some money on top of that? It's a win-win."
The former champion is hoping the silent auction for the services of his children held on the courthouse steps hours before he's scheduled to lose his home will be enough to stave off his creditors and make him whole again.
Only time will tell if the "Real Deal" can muster another knockout punch.
Wimbledon kicked off yesterday, this year without the defending champion as part of the action. Citing a knee injury, Rafael Nadal withdrew from the tournament and erased any chance of a rematch of last year's epic final with Roger Federer.
Nadal explained Friday at the All England Club, "I'm just not 100 percent. I'm better than I was a couple of weeks ago but I just don't feel ready."
Shocking as it is to hear a proud champion and favorite to win the most prestigious tennis tournament hang up his racket without so much as a fight, Your Face is a Sports Blog has learned the truth behind Nadal's withdrawal, the real reason he will not compete in his finest whites on the hallowed ground of the All England Club.
A source close to the decision to rest the injury who spoke on condition of anonymity explained in great detail the highly sensitive situation regarding not Nadal's knee, but vagina. Nadal recently visited Dr. Delores Mulva of Ohaiman Gynecology in London, England for what was originally deemed a "routine wellness check."
However, upon hearing Nadal complain of lethargy and an overall feeling of discomfort, Dr. Mulva immediately recommended Nadal be shut down until further testing could be administered. Having received his test results Friday morning, Nadal had no choice but to withdraw his name from Wimbledon competition and a chance to defend his title.
Word of Dr. Mulva's "sandy vagina" diagnosis has begun to slowly make its way around the All England Club. The whispers will no doubt increase a great deal as the fortnight draws to a close.
What brought this ailment on Nadal? How could the Spaniard have prevented it? Did his love for clay play a part in its severity?
Nadal is currently in seclusion and undergoing what Dr. Mulva characterized as "a deep and complete cleansing process." The Spaniard will certainly show his true grit and come out of this trying time fresher and ready to embrace all comers but until then, we're left with more questions than answers.
Tiger Woods instructed longtime caddy Steve Williams to smash his surgically repaired left leg and knee late Sunday night in a last-ditch effort to regain the form that saw him win the U.S. Open last year. The reversal of the surgery for a broken leg and torn ACL was deemed “a success” by Woods as he hobbled from the locker rooms at Bethpage Black ahead of Monday’s rain-delayed final round.
“Right now I feel good; and by that I mean in tremendous pain,” said Woods after Williams slammed a sledgehammer into his leg several times in the restroom at the Bethpage Black clubhouse. “I know I needed to do something to get back to where I was last year if I want to have any chance to defend my title, so this is the gameplan we’ve come up with.”
Woods won last year’s tournament at Torrey Pines while playing through excruciating pain from his leg injuries, and immediately had surgery that caused him to miss eight months of action. He finished play on Sunday 10 shots out of the lead with 15 holes to play, a situation that Woods said demanding “desperate measures.”
Golf Channel analyst Frank Nobilo said that Woods’ willingness to have a crippling injury inflicted on himself just showed his legendary competitive spirit.
“How many other players in the world would be willing to endure such abject pain in order to give himself a chance to pull off an improbable comeback?,” Nobilo said. “It just shows that inside this champion lies the heart of a masochist – and inside that heart is a masochistic champion.”
Best-selling author John Feinstein also speculated that Woods’ actions might have a psychological impact on the other players in the field.
“I’m sure that they could hear the sickening thud of sledgehammer against bone and flesh and Woods’ bloodcurdling scream in the locker room as they were ready to leave for the night,” Feinstein said. “That certainly gives the other players something to think about as they sleep tonight. When Tiger Woods is crippling himself in order to win a championship, everyone knows it.”
June 19, 2009
Heritage Hall
University of Southern California
Los Angeles, CA
Dear Mr. Garrett,
I am writing to express my interest in the head men’s basketball coach position currently advertised by USC on your Web site. Although my basketball experience is limited to covering the sport as a reporter and watching games by myself at the Hooters down the street, I believe that I possess the management skills and leadership qualities needed to take the men’s basketball program to the next level.
After analyzing your current situation, I believe you need a men’s basketball head coach with high moral character to serve as a “figurehead” for your organization. One of the primary purposes of a head coach is to hire a well-qualified core of assistants who – from what I gather – essentially handle the day-to-day operations and coaching of the team while the head coach oversees operations.
I have more than eight years in business management, where I have learned to effectively delegate duties while watching YouTube clips of old sports events from my closed office. I feel this more than qualifies me for the duties of the position. In addition, I possess the highest moral fiber, along with the common sense to avoid all pictures of me puking in the back of dive bars or doing something totally outrageous – such as handing over big bags of cash to an agent representing a star player. I have the common sense and acumen to develop an elaborate series of intermediaries and “boosters” to create an arms-length distance between the program and the university.
As a USC graduate, I understand and respect the tradition of USC basketball, having watched the team almost qualify for several NIT tournaments while I attended games at the Sports Arena. I understand that the program may be facing several hardships in upcoming years. As someone who makes a living writing, I can assure you that I am used to doing a lot with very little.
Best,
Richard Manfredi
