Turdrific Tuesday

Each Tuesday I'll award Turd Trophies to those who have earned them in the last week

-The Pittsburgh Steelers ground crew

Nice work, fellas. Listen, I know a half a dozen or so games were played at Heinz Field over the weekend but how does putting new sod down solve anything? Don't think for a second that I don't know my shit either, I worked at Home Despot for damn near a decade.

Your turd has been polished only because the terrible field conditions allowed for the first punt/javelin to occur:



Good times.

-Sports media

This turd trophy should be labeled with a preemptive strike note. It goes to all the members of the media who will use Sean Taylor's death as a soapbox for all that is wrong with society and black culture in general.

Hey assholes, how about NOT pissing on his memory by creating a fiasco rivaling the nonsense that was Rutgers/Don Imus? We all know this is going to happen, right? Last I checked, your job was to report sports news, not give your views on culture and solutions to societal ills.

Your turd trophy is a beast, rated at nine courics.

-The NFL and their network

There's a big game this Thursday between a couple of division leaders, the Cowboys and Packers. No one is going to be able to watch it though, because it's only available on the NFL Network.

After researching this extensively, I've found that only 5% of American households have the NFL Network. This SUCKS.

NOTE: research consisted of me going over in my head how many people I know who have the channel

You'd be wrong if you thought the NFL really gave a shit about its consumers though. The suits in the league care about two things: the almighty dollar and world domination.

Fucking Nazis.

-Neil Rackers

Oh how I hate that Neil Rackers. He needs to become a full-time gigolo and quit the kicking gig. He's clearly terrible, with Sunday's overtime miss being the latest proof.

Get away from my football team, manwhore!



If you couldn't tell already, I'm learning as I go with blog posts. I hereby pledge to make this a weekly feature and improve on it every week. I also pledge to use labels for my posts, as that's what I'm supposed to do.

Posted by McLane at 1:05 PM 0 comments  

Playing Guitar Hero Makes Tony Romo Look Like a Giant Dork

Photo Credit: Jensen Walker/Getty Images for Guitar Hero

So CNN/SI has a photo gallery up right now of "Male Athletes Off the Field" (which is a weird title - aren't 90 percent of athletes that people know male?), and the picture above is the first picture you see. The cheese-eating goofball front and center with the Janet Jackson Rhythm Nationa 1814 headset is Dallas Cowboys QB Tony Romo, playing Guitar Hero III at a promotional event with teammates Terrance Newman, Marc Colombo and Cory Procter.

First off, does anyone look like they less want to be somewhere than Terrance Newman? And take a look at the "guitar" they gave Marc Colombo - could they find a larger model for the giant, hulking NFL player. It looks like he's playing Mandolin Hero.

But really, the star here is Romo. From the too-high position on the guitar to the "yuck yuck" grin on his face, everything about him screams "yokel". This picture alone is going to cause me to lay serious scratch on the Packers next week against the Cowboys - no way Brett Favre would ever look this dorky.

But here's my main bone of contention - what the hell is he doing wearing that headset? I don't own Guitar Hero, but I've played it several times. At no point do I remember signing being a part of it. I don't even know if the headset is plugged in (it might just trail off into nothingness, like watching a band "perform" on American Bandstand back in the day when none of the electric instruments were attached to anything).

My theory: he's so used to getting play calls from the booth that he cannot function without assistance 100 percent of the time. In this case, his possible girlfriend/maybe just friends/whatever Carrie Underwood is in another room telling him which buttons on the "gee-tar" to push.

I'd also recommend checking out photo #4, of NASCAR champion Jimmie Johnson trying for the Jim Halpert casual cool look at a fashion event and failing. Miserably. He looks like a 6 year-old dressing up in dad's clothes.

Posted by The Duke of Everything at 11:44 AM 2 comments