A Fly on the Wall in Jersey

Earlier this week, Jason Kidd told ESPN he wanted out of New Jersey. "We tried to make this work. We've found out it doesn't. It's time for us all to move on."

Nets President Rod Thorn has not spoken with Kidd since he made his comments. Or has he?

Rod Thorn: Hi Jason. Have a seat.

Jason Kidd: Thanks for seeing me, Rod. Listen, I wanted to...

RT: How's that wife of your's Jason?

JK: Uhhh, we're actually going through a pretty nasty divorce. $10,000 tits, 10 cent head, you know what I mean?

RT: 10 cent head, huh? Yes, I know exactly what you mean. As a matter of fact, I have a copy of your contract right here. Almost $20 million this year.

JK: Yup, pretty fucking awesome, huh? The groupies really love it when I slap their asses with a wad of hundreds.

RT: Yeah, pretty ahem, awesome, Jason. Must be nice making a boatload of money for a franchise that took you in from the jails of Paradise Valley.

JK: Like I told you, 10 cent head. She's completely nuts. She hurt me too, you know.

But yeah, thanks for saving me from Colangelo. I thought he was going to break my legs, that crazy guido bastard. I do appreciate all you've done for me, Ron. Jersey girls have nothing on the broads in the desert though.

RT: It's Rod. And let's cut the bullshit and get right to it, you asshole.

Is this your contract?

JK: Yeah, but...

RT: IS THIS YOUR CONTRACT, JASON?!

JK: Yeah...

RT: IS THIS YOUR CONTRACT?!

JK: Oh for fuck's sake, yes, it's my contract. I signed the stupid thing. But I'm not happy any more. Doesn't that matter?

RT: Hmm, I'll check the contract. Nope, nothing in here about being allowed to change your mind or special trade provisions for being a whiny bitch and not finishing what you started.

JK: Rod, you signed Vince Carter and Richard Jefferson to expensive extensions. They do practically the same thing! That only works with naked groupies on their knees!

RT: That's not true. Unlike Half-Man, Half-Suck, Richard still plays hard. And that's all done despite having the ugliest ears this world has ever seen.

JK: It's true, those things are hideous. It like pulling up a dogs ear and looking inside...except there's no flap.

RT: One time I saw him in the locker room with a Q-tip...wait, knock it off. You're getting me off track. Back to your contract.

JK: Shit.

RT: You're the sixth highest paid player in the league, Jason. Do you know what that means?

JK: That I've worked hard for my money and I'm one of the best players both on and off the court in the league?

RT: Your performance from last night says otherwise.

JK: We won. Just like that chick I introduced myself to in the Burger King bathroom after the game.

RT: Moving on...what your exorbitant contract means is that you're just about untradeable. I'm going to go ahead and assume you don't know how the salary rules work in the NBA. Hell, 99.9% of the population doesn't know.

The little I know is that salaries have to match up to within 25% or something like that. Meaning we need to trade you for either another superstar with a stupid contract that saps the team's resources (and we've already got one of those) or for half a team's scrubs and leftovers to make the numbers work.

Here's the issue. If I trade you, we're in full-on rebuilding mode. But every GM knows that and my leverage is next to nothing. I don't like getting lowballed and I don't plan to, Jason. I need to do what is best for the franchise.

While things are bad right now because you've decided to sulk and shut it down, trading you away will only make things worse. I might, MIGHT, be able to clear some cap space with the players I bring in for you, but what then?

Gilbert Arenas' team is much better without him. Helluva character but not much else going on there. I could maybe lure Shawn Marion away from Phoenix but like the majority of GMs, we know he isn't worth max money. And Richard Hamilton isn't going anywhere.

JK: You're making my head spin, Rod. It's almost like you have 38DD tits and a g-string on. What about the Lakers? Kobe wants me worse than a hotel receptionist.

RT: You must be joking. Don't give me that shit about Lamar Odom and Javaris Crittendon. What the hell are we going to do with Lamar Odom? I want assets and expiring contracts. Besides, Marcus Williams might just be able to step in for you, making Crittendon worthless.

JK: Kwame Brown's contract is up after this year. Just don't get him any cake for the welcome party.

RT: Get out of here with that shit. He might be coming off the books but he's still Kwame Brown. Michael Jordan ripped that poor kid's heart and soul right out of him. Describing his psyche as fragile is putting it kindly.

I don't want him on my roster.

JK: How about the Spurs? It looks like they're going to need a point guard. Parker is out with a labia spur or some shit.

RT: It doesn't work money or talent wise. They have three players, all of which are untouchable. The other guys play their roles and play them well. I don't want role players, I want contributors. I want stars. If I don't put asses in the seats Jay-Z is going to do something terrible to me. Didn't those hippies at Cal teach you ANYTHING? The Spurs will sign Stoudamire anyway. You should have thought of the Spurs back when you were a free agent.

JK: Ummmm...ummmm...I got it! The Cavaliers! Larry Hughes sucks harder than Janice in Atlanta and LeBron says he needs a point guard.

RT: I want nothing to do with Larry Hughes or Drew Gooden or Donyell Marshall or Eric Snow. And especially not Damon Jones. That guy is a piece of shit.

Wait a second, all those guys actually play for the Cavs? No way LeBron isn't the MVP this year. That team SUCKS.

JK: Not with me they wouldn't. We'd get to the Finals for sure.

RT: Slow down there, Kidd. I'd at least want Gooden and Boobie Gibson. That ugly bearded fellow is their best rebounder. You'd be lost without him and the other spare parts I'd be forced to take from the team. You would surely be certain second round fodder for the Magic or Celtics or Pistons.

JK: I thought the Mavericks wanted me as well.

RT: You thought wrong. Mark Cuban and Nellie Jr aren't dummies, you know. They'd have to give me some combination of Devin Harris, Jason Terry and Stack along with Josh Howard to even sniff your playmaking skills.

JK: Josh Howard has a lot of teeth.

RT: Is discussing the physical features of another player for the second time in this conversation your way of waving the white flag? Are you realizing now that with the giant contracts I signed you and Vince and RJ to, we have no choice but to stand pat and wait for Kristic to return?

JK: I'll play out the contract. Doesn't sound like there is any choice, you stubborn old bastard. I can't believe you're telling me Kristic the light at the end of the tunnel but just be sure Jay-Z keeps sending floozies my way and I'll stick it out here in New Jersey.

RT: I'm glad we had this little talk and that you see it my way. Step out of line again and I'll use some common sense and ship your ass to Denver for AI straight up.

Posted by McLane at 2:00 PM